About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister. This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.
It has been just over a week now since my mums operation. She is back at home now. When she first came home she was doing weird things.I think it was because of her tablets she was on for recovery and pain. She did things like, when she was going to sleep on the couch, she said mad things. For example the first thing she said was “ONE”. She sort of shouted it out in her sleep. Then the next thing she said when she was dropping off was something along the lines of “do it now, he wont be able to walk soon”. I dont know what the hell she was dreaming of. This stopped after a few days. Probably because she settled down after all of the stress and worry. Apart from that i think she may be a little aggravated. This is understandable because she is used to getting up and doing things, but she obviously cant now. The doctor told her to only lift the weight of a kettle half full. That is the maximum weight she can lift otherwise it would injure her stomach. She cant do hoovering for about 3 months. My nan has been a big help because she does the cleaning up and stuff for Mum. I have been helping Mum get up off the couch and things like that. I have done the hoovering once as well. My sister Jessica kicked off the other day, so that was stressful for Mum. Jessica even pushed Mum out of the way. She is lucky not to be injured. My stepdad Tim rang out of hours social workers to get some extra help, because Mum cant cope with Jess at the moment. I think they are looking into helping Jess get her own flat or something. Lets just say that it wasn’t a very good day, that day. Apart from that catastrophe everything is fine now.
In other news Adams back got better and so we was able to do our 5 day challenge. We finished it 2 days ago. It was tricky. After about 3 days in i found it harder to get up in the morning, probably because my body was fatigued. Even Adam said he found it harder to get up and he is fitter than me. I weighed myself yesterday and i now weigh 13 stone 12 and a half. I lost another pound this week. I wonder why though because i did 5 intense walks in 5 days with a 7 pound pack on and i lost 1 pound. The weeks before i was losing 1 and a half at least. Maybe i lost a bit of weight and put on some muscle. Especially on my legs because we walk uphill a lot. So i beat the challenge i set myself. I wanted to get under 14 stone before the end of the year and i have done it in just over a month. It just proves exercise is key. And of course a better diet. So i have now lost 6 pounds in just over a month. I am well impressed with myself. More good news i have now got 1 and a half week off from college. I will probably be doing more exercise with my time off. Thanks for reading and all of the support.
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Firstly thank you to all the people who commented on my last post. There was some very nice messages. Secondly i hope you all had a fantastic Christmas. It is hard to describe my Christmas this year because there was a lot of good things and bad things that happened. And some of the bad things where really bad. My step-dad has not liked Christmas for years and years now. And instead of just keeping it to himself he walks around with a scowl on his face and snapping at everyone at every chance he gets. I over the years have gotten used to this and ignore it. But it is a shame for my brother Tom to see his dad do this. he is only 9 so he doesn’t understand his dads actions ( to be honest none of us do ). But every year from November he does it again and every year it spoils it a bit for everyone. But this year he was especially bad. Sitting at a table with his back to everyone not speaking.Wishing they would go. He is upset about his mum though because she went into a home this year. Also she has developed dementia ( i think) so he is sad that this could be her last Christmas. But he needs to not show that on a day where his son is super excited and hyped up about something special. So my Mum and stepdad have argued about this for days (and other things). They eventually sorted it all out yesterday. But he nearly got kicked out as well for another thing that i cannot tell you about. It was sad for me to see my Mums face upset and worried all over Christmas because it is supposed to be about family and caring for each other and we had the complete opposite. But apart from this i tried to have a good Christmas. My brother came around with his family on Christmas day and he cooked us all a turkey and sprouts and gravy and everything. It was pretty nice. In the house over Christmas there was about 15 people in so for me this was a tricky situation. I didnt want to spend all day by myself upstairs and i didnt want to go in the living room because it is too small for 15 people. So i spent most of the time in the hall playing with my brothers sons to keep them entertained. On boxing day when we all went round to Adams one of his sons Declon said thankyou for playing with me which meant a lot to me. Other good thing where of course presents. I got some blue rays and a big Lego set( i love Lego ), some shortbread, a Monopoly set, chocolate, shaver, and more good stuff. I was pleased about how i didnt run off upstairs like i used to do and stay there for a few hours. Before i end this post though I have to say my Stepdad has made a great effort about changing his attitude and mood. The whole family is influenced by one persons mood. It is like the tide of the ocean, swaying back and forth as the mood changes from one thing to another. Thanks for reading.
Since it is coming up to the end of the year i thought i would write about some of the things that i have improved upon throughout the year or accomplished. Probably my biggest improvement this year is going into a shop by myself and paying at the till. I never would have thought i could have done anything like this a year ago. A year ago my brother would say to me on one of our drives, he would say would i like to nip into a paper shop that we go past and go and get a Monster energy drink for him and one for me. And i would sit there in the van and try to talk myself into doing it as we neared the shop. But as we got closer and closer my thoughts and mind quickened. My heart-rate also started increasing and beating faster and faster and when we got there i had talked myself out of it. Then one day i surprised myself. We got there and my legs seemed to walk on their own to the shop. And i went in and i think there was only 1 other person in so i grabbed 2 monster energy’s and went to the till. I didn’t speak apart from the word “thankyou” when she had served me but it is progress. I thank my brother Adam for helping me do this because he talked me into going in but after months of other small steps that helped me get to that stage. Another Accomplishment of mine this year is that i got fitter. I have Adam to thank for that too because he is the one who i do exercise with. whether it be walking up Darwin or playing Tennis i always do it with Adam. i also have spurred Adam on getting fitter as well this year because of Tennis. I sometimes pushed him to go to the park and play Tennis when he didn’t want to. He would probably be glad of this now because he has gone really slim and he is a lot fitter. When we started doing exercise about 4 years ago he was about 18 stone. Now he is about 13 and a half stone. so he has really trimmed down. This year as well i try not to think about things that worry me so the anticipation doesn’t build up. This enables me to push further and further into being able to live a normal life. It is hard work though. i may never live a normal life but every year if i continue to make further progress i could come close. One last thing i have achieved this year thanks to you is to have a blog that i am really proud of. If you wouldnt have like or followed me i wouldn’t have continued to write but you did so thankyou. I have just reached 100 followers the other day so that is a perfect way to round of the year of my accomplishments. Anyway I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a happy new Year. Thanks for reading.
last Sunday it was my 21st birthday. For about 3 days before it i was worried about it though. Mainly this was because a lot of things change on your birthday. For one you get a lot more attention than if it was any other day. I don’t like much attention because i seem to get me a bit nervous and anxious. Another thing is the anticipation of it. You just want things to be smooth and not get people ringing you up all the time saying “Happy birthday” (i don’t like speaking on the phone to people). But it came and went and by the end of the day i felt really ill in my stomach. This was because I don’t like things to end, especially when i was enjoying the day. Yes i actually enjoy it when it gets here, it is just before and after the event that i get worked up about. So anyway, i woke up on Sunday and had a wash whilst i waited for Mum to get up. So we went downstairs and waited for my little brother Tom to come down as well. Then i started to open my cards first. I got 11 cards altogether throughout the day and some of them had money in it. Then i opened my presents. I had 2 presents. 1 was of Mum and the other was off nan. I had said to Mum and Nan when they asked what i wanted was something to remember my big birthday by, because your 21st birthday is supposed to be the biggest birthday. And also it was because on my 18th birthday i got a gold ring off my Mum (which i still wear to this day) so i will always remember it. So i opened the first present,it was a gift bag (off my Nan and Grandad) and inside there was a bag of some nuts with honey on and also some chocolate popcorn. And another long thin box. I opened it and inside was a solid silver bracelet (about 1oz) to go around my wrist. It was super shiny. And i was very grateful. Every-time i look at this bracelet now i will always remember my Nan and Grandad. And on the table where my cards and present lay i picked up the other box off my Mum and step-dad. I opened that box and inside was a chain with a dog-tag on it. I really like this chain because on the dog-tag itself there is a compass engraved on it on one side with 5 black onyx stones. 1 in each corner and 1 in the center. on the other side of it there is another small compass etched near the top and underneath that there are some word saying “My dear Son, forge your own path, Anything is possible”. My Mum chose this because of those words. She said those words kind of suit me. I am pleased to have got these presents. A few hours later we went shopping with some of my money. I wanted to get bear grylls book “true Grit” and also Lost season 3 because i have 1 and 2 and really enjoy it, and finally a Michael Buble CD. We only found the CD but the next day we got the book, and Lost is being brought home by Mum now as i write this ( she has gone to Manchester with my Sister). So I am now 21, it only seems 5 minutes ago when i turned 18. Time goes really quick when you are doing stuff. I thought this post was essential to write on my blog, 1 because it was a big birthday and 2 it shows some people get worried about things that other people don’t mind. Oh and 1 more thing, Yesterday for a treat my Nan cooked me 2 lamb shanks with mint sauce and gravy and mash and even more. I could hardly walk afterwards because i was just too full. I would like to thank my Mum, Nan and my Brother Adam for making my birthday less stress full. Thanks for reading