Well that didn’t work out did it? i said i was going to write on here more often on here during my holidays but i didn’t. Part of it is because i might say in my head ” i will write on my blog tomorrow” and then tomorrow comes and something gets in the way. And this repeats itself for a few weeks. I have also had some rough times during the holidays. I think i might have been on the edge of another breakdown. Maybe, but maybe not because i understand myself a lot more now and because of that i am stronger.
About 3 weeks ago i bought a treadmill. I had saved up for it for a few months beforehand. I actually ordered one from a website that said it would be delivered within 5 days, then after i had ordered it it said on a email it would be about a month. So i cancelled it and began to look for a second hand one. I found one just up the road from us. It was 2 more models up than the one i had previously ordered and it was only £30 pounds more, so my mum rang up and arranged a time to go and look at it and get it. So i have one now. I have wanted one for about 5 years but could never afford and we never had room (we had a clear out the other week, we threw away the thing we didn’t need anymore). So i have been on the treadmill about 4 or 5 times a week since i bought it about 3 weeks ago. I will write another post sometime soon telling you in more detail what i do on the treadmill.
Around 5 weeks ago i went to the doctors with my step-dad. i went for a few things. One was to try to refer me to a psychologist and the other was about my heart. My heart kept being weird and hurting and beating differently than it should have been doing, so i am booked in for a ECG in a couple of weeks. My step-dad was a trooper at the docs. In England the docs try to save money wherever they can, so they will only do something if it is absolutely necessary, so my step-dad really had to persuade the doctor to let me access a psychologist. In the end after much persuading the doctor agreed, so around 3 or 4 weeks later i found myself going to the hospital to see the psychologist. My mum and brother Adam came and explained about my life. Things like what i get worked up about and things like that. she gave me some new melatonin and she gave me some pregbalin. She said in some cases it has been a life changer. By the way pregabalin is used for anxiety and epilepsy. So i am going seeing her again in just under 2 weeks to discuss how i have been on these tablets. So far i have felt no change but they could take a while to get into my system, or i may need a stronger dose.
So these are the main events in my school holidays (at least the ones i can talk about). Anyway as always thanks for reading.
About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister. This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.
Please can someone help me. I am just wondering how come I have gone from getting over 10 page views a day to getting 1 or 2 if im lucky. I don’t understand it so any comment would be greatly appreciated. By the way i hope you don’t mind me asking questions on here its just that i like people to get involved with my blog. thanks.
I said on my last post that i had a secret for getting over OCD. I will tell you what I do. A lot of people think that it is impossible to stop doing obsessive compulsive things. Last year I had a routine that I did everyday before bedtime that took about probably over 3 hours to do. I had to watch YouTube for an hour at least, then i had to sit downstairs with my parents for half an hour (both of these aren’t too bad because I like to do watch YouTube and I love to spend time with my family). But after that it was a nightmare, I had to go into the kitchen, touch lots of things three times then touch all the lights in the hall, then after that i would go upstairs into the bathroom and make sure all the shampoo bottles and shower gel bottles where closed, and even more stuff than that. Then the upstairs hallway, my parents room and eventually my room ( my room took at least 20 minutes). Anyway as you can imagine doing all this stuff just before bed it would take another 20 minutes to settle down again to go to sleep. I was absolutely fed up of doing this everyday for over 6 months that i needed to find a way to stop it. And in the end it was simple. I just needed something that i could do or say that would stop me doing all this stuff because after all OCD is in the persons mind. All I did was cut my routine down bit by bit by saying ” I swear on my family that i wont touch the lights tonight”. And because i had swore on my family I wouldn’t do it again I didn’t. But remember the most important thing is to cut it down bit by bit. I hope this post can help as many people as it can. Even if it helped one person to get better managing OCD it would be worth it because OCD is hell to live with. It stops you from from doing what you want. Anyway please share this post and follow me if you like it. Thanks for reading. Oh and please feel free to comment or ask any questions because i like to see what people say. Thanks.