About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister. This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.
It has been just over a week now since my mums operation. She is back at home now. When she first came home she was doing weird things.I think it was because of her tablets she was on for recovery and pain. She did things like, when she was going to sleep on the couch, she said mad things. For example the first thing she said was “ONE”. She sort of shouted it out in her sleep. Then the next thing she said when she was dropping off was something along the lines of “do it now, he wont be able to walk soon”. I dont know what the hell she was dreaming of. This stopped after a few days. Probably because she settled down after all of the stress and worry. Apart from that i think she may be a little aggravated. This is understandable because she is used to getting up and doing things, but she obviously cant now. The doctor told her to only lift the weight of a kettle half full. That is the maximum weight she can lift otherwise it would injure her stomach. She cant do hoovering for about 3 months. My nan has been a big help because she does the cleaning up and stuff for Mum. I have been helping Mum get up off the couch and things like that. I have done the hoovering once as well. My sister Jessica kicked off the other day, so that was stressful for Mum. Jessica even pushed Mum out of the way. She is lucky not to be injured. My stepdad Tim rang out of hours social workers to get some extra help, because Mum cant cope with Jess at the moment. I think they are looking into helping Jess get her own flat or something. Lets just say that it wasn’t a very good day, that day. Apart from that catastrophe everything is fine now.
In other news Adams back got better and so we was able to do our 5 day challenge. We finished it 2 days ago. It was tricky. After about 3 days in i found it harder to get up in the morning, probably because my body was fatigued. Even Adam said he found it harder to get up and he is fitter than me. I weighed myself yesterday and i now weigh 13 stone 12 and a half. I lost another pound this week. I wonder why though because i did 5 intense walks in 5 days with a 7 pound pack on and i lost 1 pound. The weeks before i was losing 1 and a half at least. Maybe i lost a bit of weight and put on some muscle. Especially on my legs because we walk uphill a lot. So i beat the challenge i set myself. I wanted to get under 14 stone before the end of the year and i have done it in just over a month. It just proves exercise is key. And of course a better diet. So i have now lost 6 pounds in just over a month. I am well impressed with myself. More good news i have now got 1 and a half week off from college. I will probably be doing more exercise with my time off. Thanks for reading and all of the support.
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I have done pretty good this week. I am pleased with myself. And that reason is because of how i have done at college. People who know me or if you have followed my blog for a long time know that i have struggle with going back to something after a rest. Like college. Usually after the holidays i struggle with college. I become nervous about going inside the building again. And if has been a big break like the 6 week holidays i sometimes even become nervous about seeing my support workers again. Which is a bit strange seeing as i have known some of them for over a year now. But this time was different. My college started again on Tuesday this time. And when me and my taxi driver Javid turned up 2 people was watching us. And then they came over to the taxi. It was a woman and a man who i had seen around college before but i never knew their names. The woman introduced me to the man who was called Simon and told me i would be with him that day. Usually, especially because it was the first day back i wouldn’t have liked this and just gone home and prepared for it the next day. But not this time. I accepted in my mind that i was working with him that day and got out and did it. I could have gone home but i didn’t. The next day i worked with another new support worker called Alex (or Alec). And again i accepted this and got on with it. Even Javid was saying how well i was doing when took me home afterwards. On Wednesday night i didn’t sleep because of the previous post so i didn’t go in that day. And then again today. Ahhhh speaking about today there is another thing i have done. I am now starting to go to college on a Friday from now on. So that is another big achievement. So today i went and didn’t know what to expect. And guess what? It was another new support worker called Rob and again i just got on with it and didn’t think about going home. I have been quite lucky with them 3 new support workers because they like video games like me. I play video games to stress bust (and also exercise) so i know a lot about them. This is always a good talking point. Anyway i thought i would write a happy post this time because it seems these days there is always a lot of bad and negative things going on in my life lately. 1 more piece of good news before i go is that my big brother Adam is thinking of creating a blog. I think i have inspired him. So if he does do it i will tell you so you can check it out. All your support has helped me recently so a really big thank-you to everyone.Thanks for reading.
Hi, Firstly an update on William. Last time i said he was going to come out of hospital. Well he did but he had to stay in one extra day. Just to make sure he didn’t go ill again. I went and visited him after i had done that last post. One of his eyes was closed shut because the swelling was that bad. Then a few days later i went with my step dad Tim to the hospital and helped Adam by getting a lot of his and Wills stuff and brought it to his Van. We had to go up and help because Adam was holding Wills hand and taking him to the van so obviously he couldn’t carry much. So Will is at home now glad to be back to normal. He has to go for a checkup in 2 weeks time though.
Secondly i have just got back from visiting my step-dads Mum Cecilia. It is her 82nd birthday. she lives in a home now because she has dementia and she kept on falling over at her normal house. I wasn’t going to go in at first because i knew i would be upset to see her but i did go in. I felt a lot of emotions when i first saw her but i am not going to tell you about some of them because i feel embarrassed and weak and also angry and with myself when i feel sad. I don’t like to express negative emotions. I walked in the room with my Mum, step-dad, Tom,and Jess. She looked cute because she was lying in bed with her head just poking out of one corner facing towards us. All i could think about was how much she had changed. She was now ultra thin. She was about half her body weight. I remembered when i used to do drawings with her down by a river. And i used to go around to her house every week i think at one point. My step-dad Tim said to her “look at who we’ve brought” meaning me,Tom and Jess. She remembered Tom. She couldn’t remember Jess even though Jess has probably seen her the most out of us three. And she remembered me. I was very touched because i couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t seen her for about 2 years and somewhere in her confused mind she could recognize me. As i stood in her room all of my blood seemed to disappear and i couldn’t talk.It was a mixture of shock and nerves i think. It was a shame for her because at one point she started crying because she thought her son wasn’t coming home. She gets so confused that she thought she was at her old home. I wanted to leave because i felt so sorry for her and i didn’t want to show any emotions. Before that though Tim gave her her present. She had got some slippers and she was so glad off them. When we left her after about 15 minutes, she wanted us to turn off her lights because it was her bedtime. In the car home i felt really angry how people can become old and frail. I wanted to do self harm like i used to do. I thought about going somewhere and living alone, by myself so that i would never have to see anyone get old or sick ever again. My minds overloaded with upsetting images. But i am going to go now and watch a bit of a film or something because i need to settle down. Its been a very distressing day today. Happy birthday Cecilia. Thanks for reading. Please like and comment and follow.
Well happy new year. Remember in the last post how i said that on Christmas day i kept my brothers sons entertained. Well one of them is in hospital. He is called William. he is his youngest child (only 4). My brother Adam said he named him after me and our Grandad which was very very nice of him. my full name is Paul William Harrison and my grandad is called William Harold Gee even though his friends call him Harold, which i have never understood. but anyway on New years day William started to go downhill. I dont know exactly why they took him to the emergency doctor, but they decided too and it was a good job they did. The doctor sent him straight to the hospital in an ambulance. Adam must have been very worried because usually they only send you to the hospital in an ambulance if it is an emergency. When William got there apparently they did a lot of tests on him. Later on they told Adam that they was looking for signs of meningitis. Which is bad, I think it has killed a lot of children. But later on they discovered he had a really bad sinus infection. His face kept getting more swollen and swollen. In-fact Adam had to mark his face with a marker so the doctors could tell how far it was spreading. It kept getting worse and worse. William and Adam had to sleep there that night. Well i say sleep. The doctors was in every 2 hours taking blood. And at one point William was crying and not letting them take any more blood because all he wanted to do was sleep as it was 3 in the morning. So Adam had to wrap an apron around his own head and do silly dances until William settled down enough to have more blood taken. At one point there was even talk of an emergency operation. Because i think there was a cyst in his sinuses that had burst. It sound horrible but that’s what happened. After 24 hour Will started to respond to the medication he was having. So he will probably be allowed home tomorrow which is great news. He would have been in hospital about 3 or 4 days. Adam and his girlfriend Pauline (Williams Mum) have been taking turns to look after him at night. But at least Will is on the mend. A weird thing is though my cousin called Alec was texting his best friend. His best friend didnt answer for ages. Then Alec got a text. But it wasnt him, it was off his sister saying that he was at intensive care and had been put into an induced coma. For a similar thing William had got. It just shows how bad things could have got for Will but fortunately he is getting better now. So happy new year? Not for Some people. Thanks for reading and wish William to make a speedy recovery and Alec’s best friend as well. Thanks.
Firstly thank you to all the people who commented on my last post. There was some very nice messages. Secondly i hope you all had a fantastic Christmas. It is hard to describe my Christmas this year because there was a lot of good things and bad things that happened. And some of the bad things where really bad. My step-dad has not liked Christmas for years and years now. And instead of just keeping it to himself he walks around with a scowl on his face and snapping at everyone at every chance he gets. I over the years have gotten used to this and ignore it. But it is a shame for my brother Tom to see his dad do this. he is only 9 so he doesn’t understand his dads actions ( to be honest none of us do ). But every year from November he does it again and every year it spoils it a bit for everyone. But this year he was especially bad. Sitting at a table with his back to everyone not speaking.Wishing they would go. He is upset about his mum though because she went into a home this year. Also she has developed dementia ( i think) so he is sad that this could be her last Christmas. But he needs to not show that on a day where his son is super excited and hyped up about something special. So my Mum and stepdad have argued about this for days (and other things). They eventually sorted it all out yesterday. But he nearly got kicked out as well for another thing that i cannot tell you about. It was sad for me to see my Mums face upset and worried all over Christmas because it is supposed to be about family and caring for each other and we had the complete opposite. But apart from this i tried to have a good Christmas. My brother came around with his family on Christmas day and he cooked us all a turkey and sprouts and gravy and everything. It was pretty nice. In the house over Christmas there was about 15 people in so for me this was a tricky situation. I didnt want to spend all day by myself upstairs and i didnt want to go in the living room because it is too small for 15 people. So i spent most of the time in the hall playing with my brothers sons to keep them entertained. On boxing day when we all went round to Adams one of his sons Declon said thankyou for playing with me which meant a lot to me. Other good thing where of course presents. I got some blue rays and a big Lego set( i love Lego ), some shortbread, a Monopoly set, chocolate, shaver, and more good stuff. I was pleased about how i didnt run off upstairs like i used to do and stay there for a few hours. Before i end this post though I have to say my Stepdad has made a great effort about changing his attitude and mood. The whole family is influenced by one persons mood. It is like the tide of the ocean, swaying back and forth as the mood changes from one thing to another. Thanks for reading.
Since it is coming up to the end of the year i thought i would write about some of the things that i have improved upon throughout the year or accomplished. Probably my biggest improvement this year is going into a shop by myself and paying at the till. I never would have thought i could have done anything like this a year ago. A year ago my brother would say to me on one of our drives, he would say would i like to nip into a paper shop that we go past and go and get a Monster energy drink for him and one for me. And i would sit there in the van and try to talk myself into doing it as we neared the shop. But as we got closer and closer my thoughts and mind quickened. My heart-rate also started increasing and beating faster and faster and when we got there i had talked myself out of it. Then one day i surprised myself. We got there and my legs seemed to walk on their own to the shop. And i went in and i think there was only 1 other person in so i grabbed 2 monster energy’s and went to the till. I didn’t speak apart from the word “thankyou” when she had served me but it is progress. I thank my brother Adam for helping me do this because he talked me into going in but after months of other small steps that helped me get to that stage. Another Accomplishment of mine this year is that i got fitter. I have Adam to thank for that too because he is the one who i do exercise with. whether it be walking up Darwin or playing Tennis i always do it with Adam. i also have spurred Adam on getting fitter as well this year because of Tennis. I sometimes pushed him to go to the park and play Tennis when he didn’t want to. He would probably be glad of this now because he has gone really slim and he is a lot fitter. When we started doing exercise about 4 years ago he was about 18 stone. Now he is about 13 and a half stone. so he has really trimmed down. This year as well i try not to think about things that worry me so the anticipation doesn’t build up. This enables me to push further and further into being able to live a normal life. It is hard work though. i may never live a normal life but every year if i continue to make further progress i could come close. One last thing i have achieved this year thanks to you is to have a blog that i am really proud of. If you wouldnt have like or followed me i wouldn’t have continued to write but you did so thankyou. I have just reached 100 followers the other day so that is a perfect way to round of the year of my accomplishments. Anyway I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a happy new Year. Thanks for reading.