Category Archives: disorder





My big achievement is………….  I went to a football match. Leeds united football match to be precise. My stepdad Tim won a facebook competition to go to the match. He won 2 tickets for seats right at the top tier. I wasnt going untill the morning of the match. I wondered about going the day before so i thought that when i get up i would decide then. And i just went for it even though i was nervous. Not as nervous as i would have been like 2 years ago but still nervous because it was something new to me (well i havent been to a match for about 10 years, so it was kind of new). When we got close to the stadium there was hundreds of people walking towards it. The realisation of what i was doing then sunk in. Fortunately i could controll my emotions. If i didnt i would have been too nervous and then i would have to sit in the car for two hours whilst i wait for Tim to watch the match and then come back to the car. It would have been to far to drive me back because it was about 40 miles away. When we parked up and started walking to the stadiums entrances my emotions suddenly burst out of me. I didnt tell Tim but i had uncontrollable shivering. The ony thing that stopped my jaws from chattering was having a chewing gum. I couldnt believe this (for me) herculean task i was doing. There was now thousands of people wondering into the entrances. You have to remember that humans for me are very unpredictable, and i was going into a sort of massive cage full of high adrenaline, unpredictable cretures. We eventually found our seat and i was very surprised how close you are to the other people. You are literally shoulder too shoulder with random strangers ( a autistics worst nightmare ). I gritted my teeth and got on with it. When the players came on to the pitch there was a massive roar of cheers and shouting. Later on it flashed up on the screen that there was around about 24 thouand people there. So you can imagine the sound of all them people. I put my hood up to dampen the sound abit. It wasnt a lot though. Anyway the match passed by unexpectedly quick. The one thing i noticed though i that i couldnt concentrate on the game properly because of the noise. i think it was sensory overload. But the thing was though, i did it. On the way home i was very happy with myself and so was my mum and stepdad. Unfortunately though Leeds drew 1-1 against Sheffied Wednesday. What do you thinks about my big achievement ? Thanks for reading.

P.S we are going on holiday for the first time in about 4 years next week to wales. So i will tell you how it went after i get back.




Well that didn’t work out did it? i said i was going to write on here more often on here during my holidays but i didn’t. Part of it is because i might say in my head ” i will write on my blog tomorrow” and then tomorrow comes and something gets in the way. And this repeats itself for a few weeks. I have also had some rough times during the holidays. I think i might have been on the edge of another breakdown. Maybe, but maybe not because i understand myself a lot more now and because of that i am stronger.

About 3 weeks ago i bought a treadmill. I had saved up for it for a few months beforehand. I actually ordered one from a website that said it would be delivered within 5 days, then after i had ordered it it said on a email it would be about a month. So i cancelled it and began to look for a second hand one. I found one just up the road from us. It was 2 more models up than the one i had previously ordered and it was only £30 pounds more, so my mum rang up and arranged a time to go and look at it and get it. So i have one now. I have wanted one for about 5 years but could never afford and we never had room (we had a clear out the other week, we threw away the thing we didn’t need anymore). So i have been on the treadmill about 4 or 5 times a week since i bought it about 3 weeks ago. I will write another post sometime soon telling you in more detail what i do on the treadmill.

Around 5 weeks ago i went to the doctors with my step-dad. i went for a few things. One was to try to refer me to a psychologist and the other was about my heart. My heart kept being weird and hurting and beating differently than it should have been doing, so i am booked in for a ECG in a couple of weeks. My step-dad was a trooper at the docs. In England the docs try to save money wherever they can, so they will only do something if it is absolutely necessary, so my step-dad really had to persuade the doctor to let me access a psychologist. In the end after much persuading the doctor agreed, so around 3 or 4 weeks later i found myself going to the hospital to see the psychologist. My mum and brother Adam came and explained about my life. Things like what i get worked up about and things like that. she gave me some new melatonin and she gave me some pregbalin. She said in some cases it has been a life changer. By the way pregabalin is used for anxiety and epilepsy. So i am going seeing her again in just under 2 weeks to discuss how i have been on these tablets. So far i have felt no change but they could take a while to get into my system, or i may need a stronger dose.

So these are the main events in my school holidays (at least the ones i can talk about). Anyway as always thanks for reading.



For the past few days i have been keeping busy like i said. I have drawn 3 Pokemon so far. The first one was Butterfree, the second one was Bulbasaur and the third was Piplup. I have been enjoying drawing recently as it gives me something to do for half an hour whilst improving my drawing skills. I know the Pokemon i drew isn’t exactly difficult to draw but as there are over 700 to choose from you can pretty much choose your difficulty level. I have not managed to read but i will try to do that later (im reading Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets at the moment), but i have been getting up and going on my exercise bike for 5 kilometers before my shower. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursday and Fridays i have been also doing weights after the exercise bike. Things like dumbbells and pull downs on the pull up bar ( i am not strong enough yet to do many actual pull ups ). I have been still finding it hard to motivate myself, like for example i wanted to write this yesterday but i didn’t feel up to it so i am doing it today.  On the other hand i have been feeling slightly better in myself. But only slightly. Its still better than nothing though. I have been playing Skyrim on the ps3 in the day so that has kept my mind busy. Keeping my mind busy is one of the most important things i need to do in the holidays because if i become stagnant, that is when i will start to go downhill again, and i dont want that. Anyway here is my drawings:

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my stupid mind

i have not written on this for so long. I am sorry about that but remember in my last posts i said i am finding hard to motivate myself to write on here. Well i still am. I don’t know why i do this. It is just another thing my stupid mind does. I was getting a lot of support on my posts and i felt i was achieving something. So why does my mind do this to me? I really wish it didn’t. I am now on my big break from college. I have got nearly 8 weeks off i think. When i go back i will be doing some tests to see what level i am at. Then they will determine if i am ready to do my GCSE’s. Anyway as i have said i have got a lot of time off now. I am in two minds about this. On one hand im glad i can have a rest but on the other hand it is not in my routine. Also i get bored after anything more than 2 weeks off. I am going to be trying to do some constructive things whilst im off. Things like reading and drawing and hopefully writing on here. Anyway lately my mind has really been affecting me. i have been worrying about small things i wouldnt usually worry about. I have also been very depressed. I am useless. The only thing that i am good for is that i can love people more that most people (i think). That last statement is hard to explain but i can feel it in my body. My mind stops me from going anywhere too long because i cannot use other toilets apart from my home where i feel safe. This is my mind doing this on purpose so i cant do things that i love like climbing mountains with my brother. I would be able to do this by myself because there is no pressure from other people but i would be scared to go out by myself. I need to see a psychologist.  At this moment there is no point of me being on this earth. But i will carry on hoping for better things. I will try to get motivated to writing on here again because i do love it. Especially your comments and support. Thanks for reading.




Adam said that if he had time he would come to my review at college. He said he would go all week but the day before he remembered he had a little job to do for someone regarding his painting and decorating business. He is a busy man these days. i wanted him to go with us because i like people in my family going to my college. They get to see where i go in the weekdays. And when i speak about things there they have a better understanding about what i mean. He made it with half an hour to go before Javid came and picked us all up. Javid said that it was alright that my Mum, stepdad and my brother Adam came with us that day. It made sense. So we all had a good talk and laugh in the car going. That is good because if we was all serious it would have been more nerve wracking. I was nervous because it was different than my normal routine. People was in the car who usually wasnt there, even though it was just my family. When we got there i went inside to get a football like usual. On my way through the door my support worker on Mondays (Steve) came out just at the same time. he asked me if he could go and introduce himself. I said yes and told him who they was. He went and spoke to them for a short while whilst i got the football and found my support worker Alex. I didnt go into the review with them for a few reasons. one was i hate sitting in a circle where people can see you from all directions. This is why i never sit face on with someone. When they do eye contact it feels like they are staring at you and judging you. Reason two is the fact that there was a lot of people in there. There was about 6 or 7. I can only just cope with 2 other people. So throughout the time i was there it was just normal for me because i did my usual work on a Friday which is photography. Later on when they had finished (it was shorter than usual because Javid had to go as he has another contract now) I asked them what had happened. They told me that the Woman who i have told you about 2 posts ago will go a bit easier now. Which is good. The people in the review said i was the brightest student in the college. Which is absolutely fantastic as there is about 100-150 students in there. So that is a massive plus and i am so pleased with myself. They also said i need to try and improve my time management. I agree with this. But the biggest thing what was mentioned was they said i may have to go to another college which is being built i think nearer to my home. Thats because i can do harder work than what they can set for me, and as well as that, it depends on funding. If i did leave this college i will be sad because i wont see them again and i would have to get used to a whole new place which can take months. I will just have to see what happens. I would be glad though if the new place was better for me like better opportunities and things of that nature. So overall my review went pretty well.

If anyone has any ideas about how to make this blog better please tell me in the comments. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Please follow me if you havent already. Thanks for reading.




About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister.  This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.




I couldnt find a good picture for the title, so i chose this. WHAT A QUIFF

Yesterday i came home from college early. I was annoyed. I went to college and because one of my support workers called Alex has a new job (still in my college) i worked with a new support worker called Paul (same name). And we started playing football for 10 minutes like usual to settle me into the college. And after about 4 or 5 minutes someone came over and said something like ” can you pass us the ball in a minute because it is time for Paul to go in”. Firstly i was annoyed because i have a set routine what i stick to that works, and she was trying to change it by telling me to go in. And secondly i was annoyed about it because she is always asking me to do stupid things all the time. Like once she asked me to go and get these pair of gloves that wasn’t even mine and move them. Not as easy as it sounds. They was in a sort of garden in the center of our college, and there are doors locked to stop you from going in. So we (me and my support worker) had to go around to about 5 different people to get a key to unlock the door to get these glove. Pointless. I wasted all the time i was supposed to be working, getting them. Another time she wanted me to go to the other college (a short walk from my college) and try to sort out me sitting my GCSE test there. Thats supposed to be there job. So i suppose i was annoyed at her from them times as well. So when she came and started to mess up the routine of football, i felt angry. I walked off and told them i was going home. The woman didnt hear this because she had walked off. Then Paul the new support worker started to shout to her. He seemed a bit panicked. He asked was it because of him and i told him no. He kept saying i need to go in and do some work. I told him i will go in then, grab my work and bring it home. Thats what i did. When i went inside the woman was there. I grabbed my work quickly. I went to the front door and before i reached it i said “can i go out please Barbara”. Barbara’s the receptionist. I did this so the door would slide open when i reached it. I didnt have to wait. As i was walking to the taxi the woman was following me saying things like “im going to have to call your Dad”. I replied “ok then”. I wasnt bothered i just wanted to get out of there. So i walked to the taxi that was parked around the corner. She talked to Javid and Paul. I thought about running off because i wanted to go and they was stood there talking. Infact i told Paul when he was shouting her that i would run off if she came over. He said it wouldnt be a clever thing to do. As i stood there waiting for Javid i was filling up with rage. It was a good job i had 2 kalms. I would have been worse. Any way i hid around the corner until i saw Javid, then i got in the taxi and drove home. i was calm going home because of the Kalms and because i knew i was safe. I do like the woman but she is a bit intense. My review is tommorow. That is where they tell my Mum and who-ever else goes (Adam and maybe Tim even though Tim isnt interested) about how i have been doing at college. Like my progress and stuff. Anyway i will tell you how it went either tommorow or the next day. Thanks for reading.

P.S i called her the woman so i wont name names.




This blog now has beaten my old blog in views. My old blog i did about 6 or 7 years ago now i think. I think a few of you will find it very interesting because it just shows how far i have come. I surprise myself sometimes when i look on it because of the way i wrote and things that troubled me at the time. Like there is one post i wrote where i say that i am scared of going to sleep in case of  having bad dreams. It amazes me sometimes how i used to be. Anyway i hope you find it interesting. Please comment on this blog how you find it as i dont write on that blog anymore.





As i said last time, i told you i would tell you about my new new tablets i have been trying. They are called citalopram. The doctor gave me these and as i did for the last tablets i had, i researched them on the internet. It was pretty much the same as last time. They are SSRI tablets again for a start. I was unhappy with this because i have never reacted well with SSRI’s. Last time a had come out in a rash if you remember. So i decided to try these tablets. After all the doc knows better than me. I lasted 3 days this time and i decided to come off them. one of the reasons for this is because i had got another rash after the second day. It is worse than last time. Another reason i came of these tablets is because of water retention. When i had researched this tablet on the internet i had seen that water retention is a side affect. But a pretty rare one. on the tablets i could go hours and hours without needing the toilet. If you have water retention i think the cells in your body hold a lot more water so you can put on weight. I call this fake weight because it is just water weight. It is not actually fat. I didnt become bigger because i wasnt on the tablets long enough for that to happen. but i didnt want that to happen so it was another reason why i chose to come of them. Another reason why, which is linked to the last bit, is i was sweating a lot more when i did football of things like that. Obviously that is because my body was getting rid off the excess water. But it was just another side affect. The final reason why i decided to come off them is i thought i need to try more natural remedies to help with my anxiety. For example kalms. To be honest i am not happy on them because they are working a treat but i dont really like having all these tablets. So i was researching on the internet for other possibility’s and i came across something called rescue remedy. It is a spray that you spray on your tongue and it is supposed to relieve anxiety. I will buy it when i have got some more money. Ok before i go i will tell you the good parts about having citalopram. I felt more happier. So that was good. And i suppose the other good thing is i didnt have weird dreams like last time. That is pretty much it. That is the only good benefits that it did. I dont know why the doc prescribed them though because they are anti depression tablets. I wanted something for anxiety. Never mind. I will try natural things now like i said. For the past few days i have been really busy so i havent wrote as much on my blog. And i for some reason havent been in the mood for writing as well. No idea why. I hope that changes soon because i really enjoy interacting with you guys, and waiting for you opinions and thoughts about each post i do. The next post i will probably do is about a bad night i had the other day. Anyway thanks to you amazing people for reading. See you next time.



ImageJust a quick one. it is about a weird dream i had the other day. It was the night when i had tried sertraline for the first time. As i said that night i didn’t go to sleep until late but when i did i dreamt this. I was in the taxi with Javid. We was going on our usual route to my college. i was speaking to him when he said something like “i have something to tell you Paul” and i replied “what”. he told me he had been to the doctors and he had received some bad news. When i asked him what it was he told me had cancer. I thought about it for a moment and wondered about all the parts of a human this disease can effect. I therefore asked him where he had got it. And this is the really weird part. firstly have a guess where he said he had got it. You will never guess. If you do you deserve a reward of some kind. So anyway i asked him and he said “in my eyebrow movement”. What the hell. it wasnt even in his eyebrows. It was the movement of his eyebrows. How can you get cancer in a movement of an object. Thats like saying “my shadow has a cold but i do not”. Told you it was weird. And i bet you didn’t guess it. Dreams are supposed to mean thing sometimes aren’t they? What could this mean. Probably nothing. Please tell me if you liked this post. I will do another post soon telling you about a new tablet i have been trying. Thanks for reading.