i have not written on this for so long. I am sorry about that but remember in my last posts i said i am finding hard to motivate myself to write on here. Well i still am. I don’t know why i do this. It is just another thing my stupid mind does. I was getting a lot of support on my posts and i felt i was achieving something. So why does my mind do this to me? I really wish it didn’t. I am now on my big break from college. I have got nearly 8 weeks off i think. When i go back i will be doing some tests to see what level i am at. Then they will determine if i am ready to do my GCSE’s. Anyway as i have said i have got a lot of time off now. I am in two minds about this. On one hand im glad i can have a rest but on the other hand it is not in my routine. Also i get bored after anything more than 2 weeks off. I am going to be trying to do some constructive things whilst im off. Things like reading and drawing and hopefully writing on here. Anyway lately my mind has really been affecting me. i have been worrying about small things i wouldnt usually worry about. I have also been very depressed. I am useless. The only thing that i am good for is that i can love people more that most people (i think). That last statement is hard to explain but i can feel it in my body. My mind stops me from going anywhere too long because i cannot use other toilets apart from my home where i feel safe. This is my mind doing this on purpose so i cant do things that i love like climbing mountains with my brother. I would be able to do this by myself because there is no pressure from other people but i would be scared to go out by myself. I need to see a psychologist. At this moment there is no point of me being on this earth. But i will carry on hoping for better things. I will try to get motivated to writing on here again because i do love it. Especially your comments and support. Thanks for reading.
About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister. This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.
I have done pretty good this week. I am pleased with myself. And that reason is because of how i have done at college. People who know me or if you have followed my blog for a long time know that i have struggle with going back to something after a rest. Like college. Usually after the holidays i struggle with college. I become nervous about going inside the building again. And if has been a big break like the 6 week holidays i sometimes even become nervous about seeing my support workers again. Which is a bit strange seeing as i have known some of them for over a year now. But this time was different. My college started again on Tuesday this time. And when me and my taxi driver Javid turned up 2 people was watching us. And then they came over to the taxi. It was a woman and a man who i had seen around college before but i never knew their names. The woman introduced me to the man who was called Simon and told me i would be with him that day. Usually, especially because it was the first day back i wouldn’t have liked this and just gone home and prepared for it the next day. But not this time. I accepted in my mind that i was working with him that day and got out and did it. I could have gone home but i didn’t. The next day i worked with another new support worker called Alex (or Alec). And again i accepted this and got on with it. Even Javid was saying how well i was doing when took me home afterwards. On Wednesday night i didn’t sleep because of the previous post so i didn’t go in that day. And then again today. Ahhhh speaking about today there is another thing i have done. I am now starting to go to college on a Friday from now on. So that is another big achievement. So today i went and didn’t know what to expect. And guess what? It was another new support worker called Rob and again i just got on with it and didn’t think about going home. I have been quite lucky with them 3 new support workers because they like video games like me. I play video games to stress bust (and also exercise) so i know a lot about them. This is always a good talking point. Anyway i thought i would write a happy post this time because it seems these days there is always a lot of bad and negative things going on in my life lately. 1 more piece of good news before i go is that my big brother Adam is thinking of creating a blog. I think i have inspired him. So if he does do it i will tell you so you can check it out. All your support has helped me recently so a really big thank-you to everyone.Thanks for reading.
We got George back on the Tuesday night and everyone played with him before he went upstairs and slept in a dog crate sort of thing in my sister Jessica’s room. He slept really well that night. He is really playful and loves playing with all of his toys he has got. The only problem with him at the moment is that he is always trying to get peoples shoes, especially the laces. And the other day he actually tried to run off with my Nans sandal. He picked it up from the hall and tried to run outside with it, ( we have a garden enclosed on all sides with fences, so he cant escape ). And as he was going out of the door into the garden the sandal went over the edge of the step and he went with it because it was too heavy for him. My Nan and Grandad love him but grandad plays with him for a bit and then puts him back in his crate because he is hard work for him to look after. But he says he would still like a dog.
I’m nearly into the swing of things now at college. I have met all of the people i will be working with this year, so i am slowly getting used to them all again. I have asked could i do some qualifications at college because i thought whilst i am there for a few more years i could at least try to leave with something to actually show for it. Something tangible and real instead of just finishing this 3 year challenge. I have asked could i possibly do a Maths qualification, and a Science one and possibly a English one. I may also be changing one of the days to Friday instead of perhaps a Wednesday or Thursday because they play sports on a Friday.
Also my Step-dad went to Paris with his work for 4 days. He is back now being his miserable old self (i am not joking). He brings everyone down with him as well. I suppose he will always be like that now. But it is his birthday tomorrow and he does a lot for our family so i wish him all the best for tomorrow
Thanks For Reading.
All over weekend i have been nervous about going back to college. And it has affected me in different ways, like i got angry about something and i punched the wall (this happened yesterday on Sunday) and i only do stupid things like that when i have something on my mind that i am worried about. And as a result of punching the wall i have hurt my knuckle, its the small knuckle on my right hand if your interested, and i am not sure if it is broke or not. It hurts when you touch it but i would expect if it was broke it would be really a lot more painful. I hope i have not damaged it because i would have to go to the hospital and that would be a whole new thing to worry about. Anyway after all of that the weekend rolled by and it was soon Monday (today). When i got to my college, me and my taxi driver waited outside the doors at reception for someone to come out to meet us. We was waiting for about 30 minutes until someone came out. It was another teacher who i had seen before but never worked with. But this time i did things a bit slower like for e.g i didn’t go in the college today just while i get used to the place again. And another good thing is that there was hardly anyone outside of college today so it was a lot calmer and quieter and this allowed me to prepare my mind without all the sound interrupting me from focusing. So all i did today was show my Taxi driver these absolutely massive pumpkins (1of them i reckon is about 3 foot in diameter) which are being grown near the greenhouse and i also played football for the rest of the time. It would seem to an ordinary person that i haven’t done much today but for me i am laying the groundwork so i can build on this throughout the term and also throughout the year. Thanks for reading.
Hi, i said i was going to do a post yesterday on the 12th but i forgot about it. So sorry about that. Basically in this post i am going to tell you about what happened when i went back to college yesterday. I only do a few hours a day at college so i don’t need to get up early because i start at about 1pm. So i did all my usual stuff that i do on college days. I got up at about 11am, had a shower and went down for my lunch. After that it was soon time for my taxi driver to pick me up. I was apprehensive about going back to college because if i don’t do thing for a few weeks i become nervous again about it. So anyway my taxi driver picked me up and took me to college. when we got there we waited for a teacher to come outside to meet me (this is what always happens). I was expecting a teacher called John to come out and meet me because he always does on a Thursday. Anyway we waited 15 minutes and someone came out. It wasn’t john, it was someone called Steve who i do know but it completely threw me off because i just wasn’t expecting it. After i spoke to him for a few minutes he said that i needed to give my new inhaler to the nurse inside. i agreed to go in and do it but as soon as i did so i knew it was a bad idea. i felt uneasy when i got to college because loads of people where milling about as it was the first day, and of course there are a lot of new students so it was even busier inside. So i gave the inhaler to the nurse and she started to ask lots of questions and everyone was bustling about so it was sensory overload (my Mum tells me that’s what it was). And on top of that another teacher came over and started speaking to me so i just had to get out of there so i walked off. When i got back outside i felt shaky and nervous so i told my taxi driver i was going home. So my Teacher (Steve) spoke to me for a few minutes and i went back home then feeling disappointing with myself. I am going to try again on Monday ( i don’t go on Fridays) so i am not looking forward for that. It is harder to get used to it this time because a lot of things have changed so it will take me longer. Anyway Thanks for Reading.