Adam said that if he had time he would come to my review at college. He said he would go all week but the day before he remembered he had a little job to do for someone regarding his painting and decorating business. He is a busy man these days. i wanted him to go with us because i like people in my family going to my college. They get to see where i go in the weekdays. And when i speak about things there they have a better understanding about what i mean. He made it with half an hour to go before Javid came and picked us all up. Javid said that it was alright that my Mum, stepdad and my brother Adam came with us that day. It made sense. So we all had a good talk and laugh in the car going. That is good because if we was all serious it would have been more nerve wracking. I was nervous because it was different than my normal routine. People was in the car who usually wasnt there, even though it was just my family. When we got there i went inside to get a football like usual. On my way through the door my support worker on Mondays (Steve) came out just at the same time. he asked me if he could go and introduce himself. I said yes and told him who they was. He went and spoke to them for a short while whilst i got the football and found my support worker Alex. I didnt go into the review with them for a few reasons. one was i hate sitting in a circle where people can see you from all directions. This is why i never sit face on with someone. When they do eye contact it feels like they are staring at you and judging you. Reason two is the fact that there was a lot of people in there. There was about 6 or 7. I can only just cope with 2 other people. So throughout the time i was there it was just normal for me because i did my usual work on a Friday which is photography. Later on when they had finished (it was shorter than usual because Javid had to go as he has another contract now) I asked them what had happened. They told me that the Woman who i have told you about 2 posts ago will go a bit easier now. Which is good. The people in the review said i was the brightest student in the college. Which is absolutely fantastic as there is about 100-150 students in there. So that is a massive plus and i am so pleased with myself. They also said i need to try and improve my time management. I agree with this. But the biggest thing what was mentioned was they said i may have to go to another college which is being built i think nearer to my home. Thats because i can do harder work than what they can set for me, and as well as that, it depends on funding. If i did leave this college i will be sad because i wont see them again and i would have to get used to a whole new place which can take months. I will just have to see what happens. I would be glad though if the new place was better for me like better opportunities and things of that nature. So overall my review went pretty well.
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About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister. This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.
You could say this about Autistic people as well apart from a lot of autistic people never give eye contact but they will always love you.
Today is my Dads birthday. Remember i have not seen him for years even though he only lives a few miles away. When i have not seen someone for a bit i struggle to see them again. I get even more nervous about seeing someone who i have not seen for a bit than meeting someone new. I don’t know why, but my body just gets more nervous. Anyway my family knows i am like this but they still expect me to be “autistic free” for a day whilst i go and give him the present and the card i have bought him (i am not going). It is more my Brother and my step-dad that expects me to do this. They both say i should grow up and go and go and see him with the present. They are both stupid because if i could just drop having Autism, i would have done it ages ago. I wish i was like everyone else, full of confidence and able to do these things. I would be at a proper college trying to get loads of qualifications so that when i leave i could get a really good job worth thousands of pounds a year. But i am stuck with all these obstacles in front of me. I have been overcoming some of these obstacles over the past 7 years. Like recently i have been going into a little convenience shop by myself while my Brother waits in the car. I only nip in for a drink but a few years ago i would never have thought i would go into a shop by myself. In fact it was only yesterday that i was at the dentists and had 2 fillings. Again i thought i would never be able to do it but i did. So i am making progress slowly. But they shouldn’t expect me to go and see my Dad. I would find it too difficult. I cannot make Autism disappear but overtime i will get better at controlling it. Do you think it is unfair of them to ask me to drop autism? Because i do, i cant change who i am and how i feel about certain situations. Thanks for reading.
Try to be happy and think about positive things rather than negative things.
This quote basically says if you work hard for something you will feel better for doing it rather than doing things the easy way.