KEEPING BUSY.

For the past few days i have been keeping busy like i said. I have drawn 3 Pokemon so far. The first one was Butterfree, the second one was Bulbasaur and the third was Piplup. I have been enjoying drawing recently as it gives me something to do for half an hour whilst improving my drawing skills. I know the Pokemon i drew isn’t exactly difficult to draw but as there are over 700 to choose from you can pretty much choose your difficulty level. I have not managed to read but i will try to do that later (im reading Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets at the moment), but i have been getting up and going on my exercise bike for 5 kilometers before my shower. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursday and Fridays i have been also doing weights after the exercise bike. Things like dumbbells and pull downs on the pull up bar ( i am not strong enough yet to do many actual pull ups ). I have been still finding it hard to motivate myself, like for example i wanted to write this yesterday but i didn’t feel up to it so i am doing it today.  On the other hand i have been feeling slightly better in myself. But only slightly. Its still better than nothing though. I have been playing Skyrim on the ps3 in the day so that has kept my mind busy. Keeping my mind busy is one of the most important things i need to do in the holidays because if i become stagnant, that is when i will start to go downhill again, and i dont want that. Anyway here is my drawings:

MY STUPID MIND.

i have not written on this for so long. I am sorry about that but remember in my last posts i said i am finding hard to motivate myself to write on here. Well i still am. I don’t know why i do this. It is just another thing my stupid mind does. I was getting a lot of support on my posts and i felt i was achieving something. So why does my mind do this to me? I really wish it didn’t. I am now on my big break from college. I have got nearly 8 weeks off i think. When i go back i will be doing some tests to see what level i am at. Then they will determine if i am ready to do my GCSE’s. Anyway as i have said i have got a lot of time off now. I am in two minds about this. On one hand im glad i can have a rest but on the other hand it is not in my routine. Also i get bored after anything more than 2 weeks off. I am going to be trying to do some constructive things whilst im off. Things like reading and drawing and hopefully writing on here. Anyway lately my mind has really been affecting me. i have been worrying about small things i wouldnt usually worry about. I have also been very depressed. I am useless. The only thing that i am good for is that i can love people more that most people (i think). That last statement is hard to explain but i can feel it in my body. My mind stops me from going anywhere too long because i cannot use other toilets apart from my home where i feel safe. This is my mind doing this on purpose so i cant do things that i love like climbing mountains with my brother. I would be able to do this by myself because there is no pressure from other people but i would be scared to go out by myself. I need to see a psychologist.  At this moment there is no point of me being on this earth. But i will carry on hoping for better things. I will try to get motivated to writing on here again because i do love it. Especially your comments and support. Thanks for reading.

MY WEIGHT LOSS

Ever since i started doing exercise to lose weight i have kept a couple of small pieces of paper in my room to record my weight. I weigh myself at around 10 o clock in the morning every Wednesday. You are supposed to weigh yourself at the same time and every week to keep a good idea of where you are in your weight loss. So here is my record of my weight:

JAN 15th 2014  14st, 4 and a half pounds

JAN 23rd 2014   14st, 2 and a half pounds   =  lost 2 pounds

JAN 29th 2014   14st, 1 pound   =  lost 1 and a half pounds

FEB 5th 2014     13,13 and a half  = lost 1 and a half pounds

FEB 12th 2014    13,12 and a half  = lost 1 pound

FEB 19th 2014   13,11 and a half = lost 1 pound

FEB 26th 2014    13,9 and three quarters = lost 1 and 3 quarters

MARCH 5th 2014  13, 9 and a half  = lost a quarter of a pound

MARCH 12th 2014 13, 8   = lost 1 and a half pounds

MARCH 19th 2014  13,9 and 3 quarters = put on 1 and 3 quarters

MARCH 26th 2014 13,6 and a half = lost 3 and a quarter pounds

APRIL 2nd 2014   13, 6 and a quarter = lost a quarter of a pound

APRIL 9th 2014  13,5 and three quarters = lost half a pound

APRlL 16th  2014 13, 3 and 3 quarters = lost 2 pounds.

So what do you reckon?  I have lost nearly 15 pounds in 14 weeks. My target was to get under 14 stone by the end of the year and i have easily smashed that. My new target is to try and get under the 13 stone mark. By the way a stone is 14 pounds. Its getting really hard to lose weight though now. I will probably tell you what i have been doing to lose weight in my next post. Thanks for reading.

 

MY COLLEGE REVIEW

Adam said that if he had time he would come to my review at college. He said he would go all week but the day before he remembered he had a little job to do for someone regarding his painting and decorating business. He is a busy man these days. i wanted him to go with us because i like people in my family going to my college. They get to see where i go in the weekdays. And when i speak about things there they have a better understanding about what i mean. He made it with half an hour to go before Javid came and picked us all up. Javid said that it was alright that my Mum, stepdad and my brother Adam came with us that day. It made sense. So we all had a good talk and laugh in the car going. That is good because if we was all serious it would have been more nerve wracking. I was nervous because it was different than my normal routine. People was in the car who usually wasnt there, even though it was just my family. When we got there i went inside to get a football like usual. On my way through the door my support worker on Mondays (Steve) came out just at the same time. he asked me if he could go and introduce himself. I said yes and told him who they was. He went and spoke to them for a short while whilst i got the football and found my support worker Alex. I didnt go into the review with them for a few reasons. one was i hate sitting in a circle where people can see you from all directions. This is why i never sit face on with someone. When they do eye contact it feels like they are staring at you and judging you. Reason two is the fact that there was a lot of people in there. There was about 6 or 7. I can only just cope with 2 other people. So throughout the time i was there it was just normal for me because i did my usual work on a Friday which is photography. Later on when they had finished (it was shorter than usual because Javid had to go as he has another contract now) I asked them what had happened. They told me that the Woman who i have told you about 2 posts ago will go a bit easier now. Which is good. The people in the review said i was the brightest student in the college. Which is absolutely fantastic as there is about 100-150 students in there. So that is a massive plus and i am so pleased with myself. They also said i need to try and improve my time management. I agree with this. But the biggest thing what was mentioned was they said i may have to go to another college which is being built i think nearer to my home. Thats because i can do harder work than what they can set for me, and as well as that, it depends on funding. If i did leave this college i will be sad because i wont see them again and i would have to get used to a whole new place which can take months. I will just have to see what happens. I would be glad though if the new place was better for me like better opportunities and things of that nature. So overall my review went pretty well.

If anyone has any ideas about how to make this blog better please tell me in the comments. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Please follow me if you havent already. Thanks for reading.

THE FOREST GUMP ORDEAL

About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister.  This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.

MY SURPRISING OLD BLOG.

This blog now has beaten my old blog in views. My old blog i did about 6 or 7 years ago now i think. I think a few of you will find it very interesting because it just shows how far i have come. I surprise myself sometimes when i look on it because of the way i wrote and things that troubled me at the time. Like there is one post i wrote where i say that i am scared of going to sleep in case of  having bad dreams. It amazes me sometimes how i used to be. Anyway i hope you find it interesting. Please comment on this blog how you find it as i dont write on that blog anymore.

http://paulwilliamharrison.wordpress.com/

 

A VERY STRANGE DREAM.

Just a quick one. it is about a weird dream i had the other day. It was the night when i had tried sertraline for the first time. As i said that night i didn’t go to sleep until late but when i did i dreamt this. I was in the taxi with Javid. We was going on our usual route to my college. i was speaking to him when he said something like “i have something to tell you Paul” and i replied “what”. he told me he had been to the doctors and he had received some bad news. When i asked him what it was he told me had cancer. I thought about it for a moment and wondered about all the parts of a human this disease can effect. I therefore asked him where he had got it. And this is the really weird part. firstly have a guess where he said he had got it. You will never guess. If you do you deserve a reward of some kind. So anyway i asked him and he said “in my eyebrow movement”. What the hell. it wasnt even in his eyebrows. It was the movement of his eyebrows. How can you get cancer in a movement of an object. Thats like saying “my shadow has a cold but i do not”. Told you it was weird. And i bet you didn’t guess it. Dreams are supposed to mean thing sometimes aren’t they? What could this mean. Probably nothing. Please tell me if you liked this post. I will do another post soon telling you about a new tablet i have been trying. Thanks for reading.

NEW AND UPDATED POEM ABOUT AUTISM.

Thank you to Darren Whitehead  for helping me make this poem better. He messaged me saying that if i am interested he could help me with it. I said i am and he came up with this. It is the same meaning but more powerful due to his knowledge of word use. Here it is:

Always fighting with a troubled mind,
Understanding I can never find.
Trust is a game of give and take,
In depth conversations I struggle to make.
Speak softly, tread quietly so I won’t forget,
My demons inside so easily upset.

Hope you like it.

MY NEW MEDICATION SERTRALINE!!!! NO WAY.

Im back at college now. I suppose i am glad of that. On my week off i was becoming agitated and aggravated easily. Thats because things build on top of me and when i snap i will be like this until i get back into my usual routine. Because thats what college is to me. Routine. I know when and where i will be in exactly 3 weeks time for example. And i love knowing what i will be doing because i need that plan. Today at college i was doing a mock exam of higher GCSE physics. I am concentrating on science at the moment because i really enjoy doing it, and if i can leave college with a GCSE or 2 that would be an added bonus. Yesterday morning i went to the doctors. I wanted to see if i could have some tablets for anxiety. This would really help me because i have quite a few stress induced problems. I have been a few times for some anxiety tablets but he never gave me any. But this time he did. He gave me a tablet called sertraline. Sertraline is used for things like depression (i dont have this), OCD, panic disorders and social phobias. So to me this sounded like a wonder pill. It would help me with a lot of things. We went to the chemist later and got my prescription. I had one when i got home. you are supposed to have 1 in the morning, so my mum said it would be fine. After a hour or so i started to feel a bit weird. It felt a bit like i was wrapped in a cotton wool blanket and all the outside world was numb. It felt like that things wasn’t real. But i got on with it and went to college. Whilst at college i felt really thirsty. Before i had the tablet earlier i had researched it on the internet, like the side effects and things like that, so then i knew the 2 thing i had mentioned was side effects. I couldnt sleep when i went to bed later that day, even though i had been up really early, dont forget i have melatonin before bedtime aswell. I knew this was another side effect (insomnia). I finally went to sleep at about quarter to 5 in the morning. The next morning when i had woke up my mum noticed i had a rash on my face. So she told me not to have anymore. I am allergic to SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) tablets, and setraline is a SSRI tablet, but when my mum asked the doc and the chemist they both said it would be fine. So I have not had any today. SSRI is dangerous to me because i could go into some sort of shock. I cant remember the name of the type of shock. I am hoping to go to the doctors again soon to see if he can change them for me. I am gutted about them tablets though because they could have been a great thing for me. Hopefully i can try some better ones soon.

Thanks for reading.

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SLEEP TALKING MUM

It has been just over a week now since my mums operation. She is back at home now. When she first came home she was doing weird things.I think it was because of her tablets she was on for recovery and pain. She did things like, when she was going to sleep on the couch, she said mad things. For example the first thing she said was “ONE”. She sort of shouted it out in her sleep. Then the next thing she said when she was dropping off was something along the lines of “do it now, he wont be able to walk soon”. I dont know what the hell she was dreaming of. This stopped after a few days. Probably because she settled down after all of the stress and worry. Apart from that i think she may be a little aggravated. This is understandable because she is used to getting up and doing things, but she obviously cant now. The doctor told her to only lift the weight of a kettle half full. That is the maximum weight she can lift otherwise it would injure her stomach. She cant do hoovering for about 3 months. My nan has been a big help because she does the cleaning up and stuff for Mum. I have been helping Mum get up off the couch and things like that. I have done the hoovering once as well. My sister Jessica kicked off the other day, so that was stressful for Mum. Jessica even pushed Mum out of the way. She is lucky not to be injured. My stepdad Tim rang out of hours social workers to get some extra help, because Mum cant cope with Jess at the moment. I think they are looking into helping Jess get her own flat or something. Lets just say that it wasn’t a very good day, that day. Apart from that catastrophe everything is fine now.

In other news Adams back got better and so we was able to do our 5 day challenge. We finished it 2 days ago. It was tricky. After about 3 days in i found it harder to get up in the morning, probably because my body was fatigued. Even Adam said he found it harder to get up and he is fitter than me. I weighed myself yesterday and i now weigh 13 stone 12 and a half. I lost another pound this week. I wonder why though because i did 5 intense walks in 5 days with a 7 pound pack on and i lost 1 pound. The weeks before i was losing 1 and a half at least. Maybe i lost a bit of weight and put on some muscle. Especially on my legs because we walk uphill a lot. So i beat the challenge i set myself. I wanted to get under 14 stone before the end of the year and i have done it in just over a month. It just proves exercise is key. And of course a better diet. So i have now lost 6 pounds in just over a month. I am well impressed with myself. More good news i have now got 1 and a half week off from college. I will probably be doing more exercise with my time off. Thanks for reading and all of the support.

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