Tag Archives: blog

100th POST. MY BIG ACHIEVEMENT.

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THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE WHERE WE WAS SAT AT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My big achievement is………….  I went to a football match. Leeds united football match to be precise. My stepdad Tim won a facebook competition to go to the match. He won 2 tickets for seats right at the top tier. I wasnt going untill the morning of the match. I wondered about going the day before so i thought that when i get up i would decide then. And i just went for it even though i was nervous. Not as nervous as i would have been like 2 years ago but still nervous because it was something new to me (well i havent been to a match for about 10 years, so it was kind of new). When we got close to the stadium there was hundreds of people walking towards it. The realisation of what i was doing then sunk in. Fortunately i could controll my emotions. If i didnt i would have been too nervous and then i would have to sit in the car for two hours whilst i wait for Tim to watch the match and then come back to the car. It would have been to far to drive me back because it was about 40 miles away. When we parked up and started walking to the stadiums entrances my emotions suddenly burst out of me. I didnt tell Tim but i had uncontrollable shivering. The ony thing that stopped my jaws from chattering was having a chewing gum. I couldnt believe this (for me) herculean task i was doing. There was now thousands of people wondering into the entrances. You have to remember that humans for me are very unpredictable, and i was going into a sort of massive cage full of high adrenaline, unpredictable cretures. We eventually found our seat and i was very surprised how close you are to the other people. You are literally shoulder too shoulder with random strangers ( a autistics worst nightmare ). I gritted my teeth and got on with it. When the players came on to the pitch there was a massive roar of cheers and shouting. Later on it flashed up on the screen that there was around about 24 thouand people there. So you can imagine the sound of all them people. I put my hood up to dampen the sound abit. It wasnt a lot though. Anyway the match passed by unexpectedly quick. The one thing i noticed though i that i couldnt concentrate on the game properly because of the noise. i think it was sensory overload. But the thing was though, i did it. On the way home i was very happy with myself and so was my mum and stepdad. Unfortunately though Leeds drew 1-1 against Sheffied Wednesday. What do you thinks about my big achievement ? Thanks for reading.

P.S we are going on holiday for the first time in about 4 years next week to wales. So i will tell you how it went after i get back.

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INJURY AND ROUTINES

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Last Friday whilst at college i got an injury. I strained my groin. It was when i was having a bit of a kick around either before i went into college or before i went home. I cant remember. Anyway last weekend i didn’t do as much exercise or anything like that, because i wanted it to get better for the week ahead ( i did one walk). And it did. Or i thought it did because yesterday, exactly one week from that injury Ive done it again. I don’t get it though because i stretched before i had a kick about and i have been playing football all week at college. For those of you who are new here or have just forgot, when i go to college i play football for 10 minutes before i go in. This is so i can settle down before i have to go inside and do something. For some reason if i don’t play football for 10 minutes i don’t cope as well inside college. Its probably routine. But here is where the problem lies now. This injury is worse than last weeks one so i need to give it about a weeks rest at least. So what will i do when i go to college and i cant play football. I would probably just have to go for a walk around the building once or twice. I have got a tiny bit better at my routine changing now though. Before i didnt like one thing changing in my routine. And if it did it would mess me up. It just shows how intrinsic and important if for autistic people. We feel safer when our routine is in place. There are no surprises or variables in our day. Its like blood or oxygen for some people. If you don’t have it, you don’t work as efficiently, simple as that. Now as i have said, i am better at that now. I can change some things in my routine. So i will use this benefit to not get as stressed or worried about things changing. Like going for a walk instead of playing football. I will still though really look forward to getting back to playing football though. Just be wary of peoples routines though because some people need to stick to theirs, just as you may need to stick to what time you arrive at work for example. Thanks for reading.

P.s i might put a picture of me on this in a few days. Its me with a tea towel on my head. i know, weird right? But My mum and nan think i either look like Jesus on it or a character from assassins creed. let me know if you want me to put it on or not so you can tell me what you think.

MY TREADMILL = EXERCISE FOR THE MIND

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As i said in my last post, i have recently acquired a treadmill. I saved up for a long time to get one. The model i have got is a Reebok zr10 (above). This machine retails at around £1,200 but i got it second hand at £450. And when i say second hand it pretty much isn’t, its like brand new. When me and Tim went round to check it out, the man said he and his wife had been on it maximum 15 times. Anyway before i have been going to college i have been going on the treadmill. I go on it for around 45 minutes all in all. This consist of me running 1 mile and then doing a program. There are around 24 programs all in all on my treadmill. A program is a preset work out. You can change the duration though before hand. As your doing a program the treadmill will automatically speed up or speed down, it also can put the gradient up to 15 degrees. That’s like going up a pretty steep hill. It is absolutely brilliant. And whilst your doing all of this the screen shows whats coming up next and you calories burnt, distance and speed. It also has an mp3 input, so i connect my ps vita and listen to whatever music takes my fancy, and its blasted through 2 speakers, which are actually pretty good. The max speed it can go is 11.2 miles per hour, though i haven’t attempted this speed yet. I have ran at 10 miles per hour but only for maybe 20 seconds. I actually want in future to be able to run a 5k race, so i am sort of training for it, even if it takes me 5 years. As i said before i run 1 mile at the moment. I have recently upped my speed from 5 mph to 6mph, so i am pleased with this. It takes exactly 10 minutes running at 6mph to run a mile. My record mile is 9.15 seconds. I did this the other day. After i had warmed up for a few minutes i started running at 8 mph. I ran this for 2 or 3 minutes when my chest really started to hurt. I know when im pushing myself but this was obviously too much for my body. So i slowed it down to walking for a few minutes and then ran at my usual 6 mph. I think when i go on my treadmill tomorrow i will up the distance. I will try to do 1.25 miles instead of my usual 1 mile. And then when i get good at doing that i will up the gradient slightly over time till its about 3 degrees. I think running at 2 degrees on a treadmill is about running normally outdoors. So that’s about it about my treadmill. I am really pleased with myself and with the machine.

I have a challenge for you all. Try to do a bit of exercise each day this week. It can be whatever you want, walking, cycling even dancing in front of the telly to music videos. Trust me exercise its a great thing. For me it keeps my mind less crowded (if i dont do any exercise i start to go downhill, like being depressed and i also have a self destroying mind which can only be dampened by exercise). I feel more confidant and of course your increasing the length of time you get on this earth. Once you get the fitness bug you will not go back. By the way my weight is now around 12 st 9 which is about 180 pounds.Thanks for reading

NEW TABLETS, PHYSCOLOGIST AND THE TREADMILL.

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Well that didn’t work out did it? i said i was going to write on here more often on here during my holidays but i didn’t. Part of it is because i might say in my head ” i will write on my blog tomorrow” and then tomorrow comes and something gets in the way. And this repeats itself for a few weeks. I have also had some rough times during the holidays. I think i might have been on the edge of another breakdown. Maybe, but maybe not because i understand myself a lot more now and because of that i am stronger.

About 3 weeks ago i bought a treadmill. I had saved up for it for a few months beforehand. I actually ordered one from a website that said it would be delivered within 5 days, then after i had ordered it it said on a email it would be about a month. So i cancelled it and began to look for a second hand one. I found one just up the road from us. It was 2 more models up than the one i had previously ordered and it was only £30 pounds more, so my mum rang up and arranged a time to go and look at it and get it. So i have one now. I have wanted one for about 5 years but could never afford and we never had room (we had a clear out the other week, we threw away the thing we didn’t need anymore). So i have been on the treadmill about 4 or 5 times a week since i bought it about 3 weeks ago. I will write another post sometime soon telling you in more detail what i do on the treadmill.

Around 5 weeks ago i went to the doctors with my step-dad. i went for a few things. One was to try to refer me to a psychologist and the other was about my heart. My heart kept being weird and hurting and beating differently than it should have been doing, so i am booked in for a ECG in a couple of weeks. My step-dad was a trooper at the docs. In England the docs try to save money wherever they can, so they will only do something if it is absolutely necessary, so my step-dad really had to persuade the doctor to let me access a psychologist. In the end after much persuading the doctor agreed, so around 3 or 4 weeks later i found myself going to the hospital to see the psychologist. My mum and brother Adam came and explained about my life. Things like what i get worked up about and things like that. she gave me some new melatonin and she gave me some pregbalin. She said in some cases it has been a life changer. By the way pregabalin is used for anxiety and epilepsy. So i am going seeing her again in just under 2 weeks to discuss how i have been on these tablets. So far i have felt no change but they could take a while to get into my system, or i may need a stronger dose.

So these are the main events in my school holidays (at least the ones i can talk about). Anyway as always thanks for reading.

MY STUPID MIND.

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my stupid mind

i have not written on this for so long. I am sorry about that but remember in my last posts i said i am finding hard to motivate myself to write on here. Well i still am. I don’t know why i do this. It is just another thing my stupid mind does. I was getting a lot of support on my posts and i felt i was achieving something. So why does my mind do this to me? I really wish it didn’t. I am now on my big break from college. I have got nearly 8 weeks off i think. When i go back i will be doing some tests to see what level i am at. Then they will determine if i am ready to do my GCSE’s. Anyway as i have said i have got a lot of time off now. I am in two minds about this. On one hand im glad i can have a rest but on the other hand it is not in my routine. Also i get bored after anything more than 2 weeks off. I am going to be trying to do some constructive things whilst im off. Things like reading and drawing and hopefully writing on here. Anyway lately my mind has really been affecting me. i have been worrying about small things i wouldnt usually worry about. I have also been very depressed. I am useless. The only thing that i am good for is that i can love people more that most people (i think). That last statement is hard to explain but i can feel it in my body. My mind stops me from going anywhere too long because i cannot use other toilets apart from my home where i feel safe. This is my mind doing this on purpose so i cant do things that i love like climbing mountains with my brother. I would be able to do this by myself because there is no pressure from other people but i would be scared to go out by myself. I need to see a psychologist.  At this moment there is no point of me being on this earth. But i will carry on hoping for better things. I will try to get motivated to writing on here again because i do love it. Especially your comments and support. Thanks for reading.

THE FOREST GUMP ORDEAL

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About 2 posts ago i told you i would tell you about the other night where i had a hard time. It was Forest Gump that started it. By the way this is spoilers if you haven’t seen forest gump before. Im sure you have. You have seen me write about this before.It was about people getting old and deteriorating and eventually dying. Because that’s what happens in Forest gump. his mum ends up dying. And so does his friend in the army. Bubba. And also his girlfriend in the end. this is what i hated. I think it was combined with other stuff at the time as well but by the end of forest gump i was very upset. I felt really down and couldnt be bothered speaking to anyone. I wanted to go to sleep and to forget everything for a few hours. And this time i was even closer to self harming again. Even closer than when i saw Cecilia a couple of months ago. I hated it. Mum obviously knew i was upset because she kept on asking me what was up. She was very worried but i didn’t want to tell her because i think i should be over stuff like this now. People on here told me i shouldn’t feel weak when i get upset but i still do. I feel a hopeless cause. After a short while i went and sat in my bedroom in the dark and leant against my door. It was nicer in the dark because it feels like you are cocooned. you are the Caterpillar and the dark is the chrysalis. I was still upset but liked the sense of emptiness. 5 minutes later Tim and mum came to my door. They asked would i like to go for a drive. I didnt answer. They carried on speaking for a few more minutes and when they knew i wasnt going to speak they told me Tim will wait downstairs until i was ready to go. They know a drive settles me down the most so that is why they offered me a drive. I went down after a few more minutes. I got my big cosy coat on and grabbed my PS Vita. I have lots of music on my PS Vita. We went and i sat in the backseat with my hood up listening to Michael Buble. I feel safe doing this and i can slowly settle back down. I especially love drives when its dark or raining. Preferably both together. I love it. I was feeling a bit better as we pulled up back at my house. I got on with my usual routine after this. I get so upset about people getting older because i cant stand thinking about living without my Nan or grandad or Mum and Tim or my brothers or my sister.  This wont get better in time but i hope to control it better. Later that night when i was watching breaking bad my mum came into my room. She asked me what was wrong and i told her. I find it hard explaining my feeling in words( actually saying them) but this time i did it. So i was sort of pleased. Thanks for reading.

MY SURPRISING OLD BLOG.

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This blog now has beaten my old blog in views. My old blog i did about 6 or 7 years ago now i think. I think a few of you will find it very interesting because it just shows how far i have come. I surprise myself sometimes when i look on it because of the way i wrote and things that troubled me at the time. Like there is one post i wrote where i say that i am scared of going to sleep in case of  having bad dreams. It amazes me sometimes how i used to be. Anyway i hope you find it interesting. Please comment on this blog how you find it as i dont write on that blog anymore.

http://paulwilliamharrison.wordpress.com/