Tag Archives: Mental Health

FLOWER – MY PICTURE.

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            Took on my iphone 5s

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JESUS OR AN ASSASSIN ???

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So this is the photo what i said i would upload on Monday. Firstly, this is me. You have never seen me before so atleast now you can put a face to my writings. Secondly, this photo was a result of me and my mum messing about in the kitchen. I put this teatowel on my head and i tried to look holy. My nan thinks i look like jesus and some of my family think i look like a assassin off assassins creed (a video game). What do you think? Thanks for reading.

P.s i was a bit nervous at showing my face

MY TREADMILL = EXERCISE FOR THE MIND

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treadmill whole treadmill screen

As i said in my last post, i have recently acquired a treadmill. I saved up for a long time to get one. The model i have got is a Reebok zr10 (above). This machine retails at around £1,200 but i got it second hand at £450. And when i say second hand it pretty much isn’t, its like brand new. When me and Tim went round to check it out, the man said he and his wife had been on it maximum 15 times. Anyway before i have been going to college i have been going on the treadmill. I go on it for around 45 minutes all in all. This consist of me running 1 mile and then doing a program. There are around 24 programs all in all on my treadmill. A program is a preset work out. You can change the duration though before hand. As your doing a program the treadmill will automatically speed up or speed down, it also can put the gradient up to 15 degrees. That’s like going up a pretty steep hill. It is absolutely brilliant. And whilst your doing all of this the screen shows whats coming up next and you calories burnt, distance and speed. It also has an mp3 input, so i connect my ps vita and listen to whatever music takes my fancy, and its blasted through 2 speakers, which are actually pretty good. The max speed it can go is 11.2 miles per hour, though i haven’t attempted this speed yet. I have ran at 10 miles per hour but only for maybe 20 seconds. I actually want in future to be able to run a 5k race, so i am sort of training for it, even if it takes me 5 years. As i said before i run 1 mile at the moment. I have recently upped my speed from 5 mph to 6mph, so i am pleased with this. It takes exactly 10 minutes running at 6mph to run a mile. My record mile is 9.15 seconds. I did this the other day. After i had warmed up for a few minutes i started running at 8 mph. I ran this for 2 or 3 minutes when my chest really started to hurt. I know when im pushing myself but this was obviously too much for my body. So i slowed it down to walking for a few minutes and then ran at my usual 6 mph. I think when i go on my treadmill tomorrow i will up the distance. I will try to do 1.25 miles instead of my usual 1 mile. And then when i get good at doing that i will up the gradient slightly over time till its about 3 degrees. I think running at 2 degrees on a treadmill is about running normally outdoors. So that’s about it about my treadmill. I am really pleased with myself and with the machine.

I have a challenge for you all. Try to do a bit of exercise each day this week. It can be whatever you want, walking, cycling even dancing in front of the telly to music videos. Trust me exercise its a great thing. For me it keeps my mind less crowded (if i dont do any exercise i start to go downhill, like being depressed and i also have a self destroying mind which can only be dampened by exercise). I feel more confidant and of course your increasing the length of time you get on this earth. Once you get the fitness bug you will not go back. By the way my weight is now around 12 st 9 which is about 180 pounds.Thanks for reading

JUST WALKING IN THE RAIN

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walking in the rain

Ooohhhh im nice and warm now. I have been up Darwin with Adam again. It was brutal though. There must have been about 40mph winds hitting us. The wind was also really cold and on top of that it was throwing it down. On the tricky bit of our walk, when i reached the top again (3rd time in a row now without stopping) It was harder to breath than usual because the air was so cold and the wind seemed to blow all the air away. Infact i overtook Adam on that hard bit because he is still getting used to the weight in his backpack, he had added more since last time. When i reached the top I  encouraged Adam to carry on as i could see he was tired. That makes a nice change. When we reached the van i was absolutely soaked and couldn’t wait to get the heaters on. On the way home Me and Adam nipped into a shop (he bought me a milkshake as a treat) but i was still shivering so I went back to the Van. I couldn’t wait to get home and get a hot bath and some food. So here i am now nice and warm and full. Yesterday it was my brother Toms 10th birthday. I woke up early to see him before he went to school. I had bought him Pokemon Y earlier this month as a early birthday present. That was because we always get Pokemon at the same time and as i was getting it i bought it for him too. I also bought him 2 painting things. They are them types of paintings that are numbered. so for example all the green stuff might be number 52, so you can colour all the number 52’s green. I think he is glad i bought it. He is also getting off Mum and Tim an indoor rock climbing session soon, this should help improve his confidence. I hardly saw Tom though because when i got home from Darwin (We started and then it thundered so we turned back) later on, he was upstairs with Adams stepson called kieron. They was playing on games and stuff like that. So i wished i could have seen him more but at least he was having a good time. So Happy 10th birthday Tom, I hope you have a great year. Oh and by the way when i weighed myself on Wednesday i had lost 2 pounds so i am super glad. Thanks for reading everyone.

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DROPPING AUTISM FOR A DAY.

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ImageToday is my Dads birthday. Remember i have not seen him for years even though he only lives a few miles away. When i have not seen someone for a bit i struggle to see them again. I get even more nervous about seeing someone who i have not seen for a bit than meeting someone new. I don’t know why, but my body just gets more nervous. Anyway my family knows i am like this but they still expect me to be “autistic free” for a day whilst i go and give him the present and the card i have bought him (i am not going). It is more my Brother and my step-dad that expects me to do this. They both say i should grow up and go and go and see him with the present. They are both stupid because if i could just drop having Autism, i would have done it ages ago. I wish i was like everyone else, full of confidence and able to do these things. I would be at a proper college trying to get loads of qualifications so that when i leave i could get a really good job worth thousands of pounds a year. But i am stuck with all these obstacles in front of me. I have been overcoming some of these obstacles over the past 7 years. Like recently i have been going into a little convenience shop by myself while my Brother waits in the car. I only nip in for a drink but a few years ago i would never have thought i would go into a shop by myself. In fact it was only yesterday that i was at the dentists and had 2 fillings. Again i thought i would never be able to do it but i did. So i am making progress slowly. But they shouldn’t expect me to go and see my Dad. I would find it too difficult. I cannot make Autism disappear but overtime i will get better at controlling it. Do you think it is unfair of them to ask me to drop autism? Because i do, i cant change who i am and how i feel about certain situations. Thanks for reading.

CONFLICTING EMOTIONS.

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ImageI consider myself to be on the line between autistic and “normal” but this makes it very complicated for me to understand myself and for others to understand me as well. I have been officially diagnosed with Autism but yet sometimes i wonder if they got the diagnosis wrong. For example if you saw me and started talking to me i would become very anxious and look down at the ground ( no eye contact ) and would try to end the conversation as soon as possible, but once i got to know you i would enjoy being around you and actually look forward to seeing you.

The one big problem i have is being still near people i don’t know very well, I think it must be nervous energy or something, that’s why when i meet a new teacher at my special college for example i play football (or soccer) with them outside instead of going in and sitting at a table and meeting them there. This enables me to keep moving about while getting used to them.Now all this in this paragraph is not what a “normal” person would do though is it?

But i am good at things that Autistic people aren’t supposed to be good at like understanding peoples feelings. I know if i do something bad i could upset my brother or if i smash my sisters CD she will not be pleased. But this is where conflicting emotions come in. If my sister annoys me I would feel like smashing one of her possessions but the other side of me tells me not to. So i have 2 sides of my mind pulling in opposite directions and it all becomes very confusing. Now this paragraph is definitely what an autistic person would feel like.

I think this is why i don’t have any friends. My teachers are sort of my friends but they are what i call “fake” friends. Do they actually like me or are they getting paid to like me.  And they would never come and visit me when i have finished college like normal friends would. Normal people don’t give me time to see the real me. Instead they see a Autistic person who looks at the ground instead of giving them eye contact. But i am actually much more like a “normal” person than a autistic one.

I hope this post has given you a bit more of an insight to me instead of just seeing words on the screen what i have wrote. Please like and share and follow this post. And please comment on this post if you want, I answer every comment i get if there is an answer to give.

Thanks for reading.